1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I’m sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don’t we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It’s more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.

Three horny cheerleaders decide to take their boyfriends to a hotel and get fucked. So they check in at the hotel and go to their rooms.

But their parents get worried for them and go looking for them. They find the hotel and go inside. They go up into the hallway and hear their girls.

From one room they hear a loud scream. They barge into the room and shout, “why are you screaming?”. The cheerleader replies, “because it hurts!”.

Then, in the next room they here giggling, so they bust into the room and shout, “why are you giggling?”. The cheerleader says, “because it tickles!”.

Then, the parents listen and listen, but can’t hear the last girl, so they ask the other two where she is. The girls show them to the last girl’s room, and kick down the door, to find the last of the girls still being fucked. Her parents ask her, “why the fuck weren’t you screaming, or giggling?”. The cheerleader imediately answered, “but you told me not to talk with my mouth full!”

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and say’s,” See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time.” “No way,” the guy say’s. “oh yeah, and she only charges $20.” So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn’t believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It’s best to wear protective head gear when your going in unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it by yourself,but it’s not as much fun.
4. Once you learn you never forget how.
5. You don’t need any special clothing ,but you can if your really in to it.
6. make sure you got a firm grip.
7. Once your over the top you can just roast the rest of the way.
8. That’s why some of them are called mountain bikes.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

- Hey baby why don’t you be my love buffet I’ll lay you on the table and take what I want.
- Will you play army men with me … So I can blow the hell out of you
- What do you say we’ll go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and I’ll multiply, It’s easy it’ll only take us all day.

- I can’t make a cherry pop but i sure know how to make a babnanna cream.
- I may not be Fred Flintstone ,but I bet I can make you bed rock
- Let’s do breakfast tomorrow should I call you ou nudge you?
- Yo baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, You treat me right And I’ll do it your way.

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, “Umm… err, I’ve never purchased condoms before, and I don’t know what size to buy.” “That’s okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back.” So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in. She starts to giggle and says, “Have you decided on the appropriate size?” “Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!”

There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. “What condition does he have?” the student asks. “He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.” The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. “What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?” “Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”

What do a bungee jump and a whore have in common?
Theyre both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks youre a dead motherfucker!

One day, a woman living in a trailor park found a hole in the floor in her kitchen, so she decided to stick a hot dog in it and masturbate with the hot dog sticking up from out of the floor. A guy next door could see in through the window and he thought she was really hot. So he snuck under the trailor and took the hot dog out and replaced it with his dick. He was having a lot of fun for a while until someone knocked on the door of the trailor and the girl kicked the “hot dog” under the floor!

One day the farmer saw his kid digging in the tool shed. He waited until the boy came out then asked him what he was doing. The boy had chicken wire in his hands, and replied I’m going chicken hunting papa.

The farmer just thought his son was crazy. then the boy came back an hour later and had 2 chickens on the chicken wire.

The farmer was dumb founded.

Then the boy came out with duck tape. an hour later he came back with 3 ducks.

The Farmer was in amazement. then the boy came out with pussy willows. the farmer yelled wait boy i’m coming with ya this time!”

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here”, says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.

I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place… I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed — over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell. “No,” bin Laden said.” I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Osama Bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.

There’s a marshal on the range in the late 1800′s who comes across this Indian reservation and decides to go to the saloon for a couple shots of whiskey and some Indian pussy for the night. After he took his drinks he asks the bartender where he could get some Indian pussy. He tells him and the marshal then finds himself in a room with this gorgeous Indian lady ready for him. During the session this Indian lady screams out ” EE KA!!! EE KA!!!” and the harder the marshal pushed the louder the screams got; “EE KA!!! EE KA!!!”

Later that evening the marshal finds himself back at the saloon and is watching a fine game of billiards. The man shooting was a big fellow with stalky arms; not someone to pick a fight with. It was the 8 ball and the cue left on the table. The big Indian shoots and the 8 ball rolls around and around and falls into a pocket. “EE KA!!! EE KA!!!” the man screams out looking very pissed off snapping his cue stick in half. Seeing this the marshal began to worry like what the fuck? EE KA!!! EE KA!!! what the fuck is that? So he asks the bartender,” What the hell does EE KA!!! EE KA!!! mean?” And do you know what the bartender said? “WRONG HOLE!!! WRONG HOLE!!!”

a farmer has over 800 laying chickens. But one day his rooster dies. The farmer goes to the bird store to get a new rooster. The clerk gave him a huge rooster and said it would do the job. The farmer goes home, throws the rooster in with the chickens. The rooster rides one, then dies. The farmer goes back to the store and demands a new rooster. The clerk hands him and even bigger rooster than before and says it will do the job for sure. The guy goes home, throws the rooster in with the chickens. The rooster rides one, then dies.

By now the farmer is pissed off. He goes to the store and demands a new rooster. The clerk gives him the scrawniest chicken ever! The guy didn’t have a choice so he goes home, throws the rooster in with the chickens. The rooster rode all them chickens twice before the farmer grabbed him. he threw the rooster in the shed till morning. The next morning the guy goes to the shed only to find that the rooster had drilled through. He found all his chickens tired, his dog cowering in the corner, and his horses all limping. The guy gets scared thinking about the neighboring farm. He finds the rooster flat on his back near the road, two vultures circling over head. The farmer goes to check on the rooster, when suddenly it opened its eyes and said ”man fuck off you’ll scare em away.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could.

“I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, ‘Piddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven.”

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

Two british adventurer’s were walking through a vast jungle in Africa. They get lost and soon find themselves captured by a tribe of natives. The leader of the tribe says to the tied up men “You have two options. Death, or unga bunga. Choose now.” The first explorer says to the leader “I guess. I’ll take unga bunga.” So they untie the first explorer and strip him naked and bend him over. Then every man in the village has their way with him. The leader looks to the second explorer and says “Which do you choose, death or unga bunga?” The second explorer responds “I’m not stupid! I’ll take death!” So the tribe leader then says “OK! Death by unga bunga.”

Little red riding hood was working in the woods on her why to her grama’s house. Out of the bushes jumps the Big bad wolf. The wolf said, “Littie red riding hood I’m going to make sweet slow love to you” Little red riding hood said, “Bullsh*t your going to eat me just like the book says!

A guy walks into a bar and orders 1 beer 1 shot. the bartender asks why so down? the guy says i just found out my son is gay. The bartender says have another one on me. The next day the same guy comes in and orders 2 beers and 2 shots. the bartender asks whats wrong today? the guy says i just found out my other son is gay. The next day the guy comes in again and orders three beers and three shots the bartender asks does anybody in your family like pussy? The guy says yeah, my daughter does thats why im here now.

A family decided to take there vacation on a beach, but it happened to be a nude beach. Well there little boy came up to his mom and said, “mommy there are some women here who have bigger boobies than yours” the mom replied ” well son the bigger they are the dumber they are”, so with that he ran off to play.
A little while later he came back to his mom and said ” mommy mommy there are some guys here who have bigger pee pees than daddys”
once again she said ” well the bigger they are the dumber they are”
so he went off to play again.
After a while he came back up to his mom and said “mom I just saw dad talking to the dumbest women I have ever seen and has he talked he just kept on getting dumber and dumber and dumber.

A mailman who had delievered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this little neglegie. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Man talk about every fantacy fullfilled. After that she takes him downstrairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast. After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it. She says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.

If your wife is banging on the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

The dog because at least he shuts the fuck up when he gets inside.

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks if the guy does $100 bills.

“Sure”, says the artist. “Where you want it?”

“Wrap it around my prick”, says the customer.

“Why do you want it on your prick?” asked the tattoo artist.

“Three reasons”, replied the man thoughtfully, ”

One, I like to play with my money.

Two, I like watching my money grow.

Three, my wife loves to blow money.”

A guy goes on to a ship to sail for work, but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain, “Capt. capt.! There’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure?

Captain: Don’t worry me laddie just stick your dick in that barrel and everything will be alright.

So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation so he does this every day after that, untill one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens so he runs to the cpat. and says:

“Capt capt! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed!”

Captain: Oh I forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!

Day1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum, “We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”

Mum replies: “yes dear”

Day 2: “We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”

Mum replies: “yes dear”

Day 3: “We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I’m a 36DD. Is it because I’m blonde, mummy?”

Mum replies: “No dear, it’s because your 25″

There was a blonde brunette and a red-head on a plane that was loosing altitude pretty fast but there were only 2 more parachutes left.

So the red-head goes…’What do we do, there’s only 2 more parachutes left?’

Then the brunette says,’ well i think i should get one parachute cos i have a cure for cancer.’

Then the red-head says,’ I think i should get a parachute cos i am going to be the next prime minister.’

The blonde however grabs a parachute out of the red-heads hands and jumps out of the plane.

The red-head then asks,’ what are we going to do now? there’s only one parachute left.’

The brunette replies, ‘Dont worry, we still have 2 parachutes. the idiot took my lunch box!’

Question: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
Answer: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

A young woman said to her doctor, “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”
“What do you mean?” said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe. “Owww, even THAT hurts.”
The doctor asked the woman, “Are you a natural blonde?”
“yes,” she said.
“I thought so,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.

Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she’s smiling.

So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she’s laughing.

He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard, she’s about to fall down.

He demands, “What’s so funny?

She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.”

A man goes to the doctor because he is bleeding whenever he tries to shit. The doctor takes a look in his ass and say’s, “I think I have something for this but it has to be put in your rectum in order for it to work.” The man say’s, “Whatever will stop the bleeding, do it.” He gives him the first dose and say’s, “Tomorrow, have your wife give you the second and final dosage the same way that I have.” The man thanks the doctor and rushes home.

The next day he gives his wife the medication and tells her what she needs to do. As she is putting it in the man screams. “Oh my god what did I do?” his wife asked. The man replies, “Nothing, but I just noticed that when the doctor gave it to me, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!!!”

A little girl and her dad were driving down the road. When they passed an old woman’s car, a dick landed on the windshield. The little girl said, “what was that daddy?” The dad didn’t want to tell her what it really was so he lied and said it was a fly. Then the little girl said, “that fly had a big dick.”

Two blondes are in a car. The one driving looks in the mirror and tells her friend, “Look, Betty. That’s me!”

Betty takes a look in the mirror and replies stubbornly, “No, stupid. It’s me!

Three blondes and a brunette are hanging off the edge of a cliff. If one of them doesn’t let go they will all go. Suddenly the brunette gives a speech explaining that she will sacrifice herself to save the others. The 3 blondes clapped..

This blonde came home from work one day and caught her husband screwing another woman so the blonde goes out and buys a gun goes back home walks in on her husband and puts the gun to her head and her husband said don’t do it hunny don’t do it the blonde said don’t worry motherfucker your next.

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,”Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

“$50″ she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him is she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. “She should. She was standing on it”

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’ve finished already?” the man asked. “Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats.”Impressed the man reaches for the money. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It a Lexus.”

A blonde,redhead and a brunnete were waiting in the gynacoligists office,for there check-up.
The redhead says,”i heard that the position you always have sex in determine the sex of your baby’. redhead continues”since i was always on top , i’m having a boy.”

Then the brunnete says,”so i was always on the bottom, i must be having a girl.

Then they heard the blonde crying and the brunnete asked”whats the matter?”

Then the blonde replied,”i’m having puppies!”

A sherrif in a small town walks out on a street and sees a blonde cowboy walking down the street with nothing on but his boots, his hat and his gun, so the sherrif arrests him for indecent exposure. As the sherrif is locking him up he asks “Why in the world are you going around town nude?” The cowboy responds “Well, it’s like this sherrif. I was sitting in a bar, when a pretty redhead asked me to go to her motor home with her and I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to take off my shirt…so I did. Then she takes off her skirt and asks me to take off my pants….so I did. Then she takes of her underwear and asks me to take mine off too..so I did. Then she crawls on the bed and gives me a funny look and says “Now go to town cowboy.” so here I am!

There is this guy who has speech problems. he went out to the drug store to get some gum. he asked the lady at the counter for some ‘bum’. she said you mean gum? the man said yes and bought the gum. T

hen he went to the department store to get a bucket. he asked the man at the counter if the had any ‘fuckets’. the man said, you mean buckets? the man said yes, bought the bucket

Then he went to the pet store to buy his daughter a puppy for her b-day. When he got there he asked the lady at the counter if they had any ‘cockandspankits’. the lady said, you mean cockerspainelles? the man said yes.

While he was paying for the puppy, another customer walked through the door and the puppy ran outside. The man went to chase after the puppy, he found the closest person and said, “Can you hold my bum and fuckit while i go catch my cock and spank it?”

Why can’t a blonde dial 9-1-1?

She couldn’t find the 11 button.