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A drunk bum walks out of a bar late at night. Across the street from him is a nun waiting at a bus stop. The bum crosses the street and punches the nun square in the face. The nun falls down and the bum begins to kick her constantly screaming, " Not so tough tonight are you batman!?!"
Question: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Answer: Say, "Nice dick".
A little boy was riding his bike by a woman on her horse and the woman asked " aren't you suppose to be wearing a helmet on your head?" and the boy said " isn't the dick suppose to be on the bottom of the horse and not the top?"!
There were two priests sitting in the little room where they go when they need to change and they were writing the next
sermon for Sunday now this the time when all the stuff was going around about priests but the one says to the other im tired so im going to take a shower and take a nap and the other says okay im almost finished so dont start without me and the one says ok and leaves well temptation gets to him and he says ah forget it so he runs to the shower and enters to find shit colored cum all over the wall and the one says to the other i told you to wait for me and the other says what do you mean i just farted.
A man and woman were about to get married. The man loved this woman very much, however he had a problem with his soon to be mother-in-law. She always looked at him as if she wanted him. The fact that she was hot didn't help the matter. One day, the man and his fiance's mother were alone in the kitchen planning for the wedding. This was when she asked if he wanted to have sex with her. Of course, the man was stunned, so the woman went to the bedroom and allowed the man to think about it. After about a half hour of sitting in the kitchen the man gets up to go to his car. Outside his soon to be father-in-law is waiting for him. He exclaims that he is very happy that his daughter found a man this good, and that he had passed the test that had been set up.
Moral of this story: Never forget your condoms in the car.
One day, a woman living in a trailor park found a hole in the floor in her kitchen, so she decided to stick a hot dog in it and masturbate with the hot dog sticking up from out of the floor. A guy next door could see in through the window and he thought she was really hot. So he snuck under the trailor and took the hot dog out and replaced it with his dick. He was having a lot of fun for a while until someone knocked on the door of the trailor and the girl kicked the "hot dog" under the floor!
What do a bungee jump and a whore have in common?
Theyre both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks youre a dead motherfucker!
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy." "That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back." So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in. She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?" "Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
Creation of the Pussy:
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
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