LONDON (Odd Times) – Leaders from around the world have welcomed the much anticipated latest Harry Potter book.

Presidents and prime ministers have mixed views on J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. But they agree it is an important piece of art.

“Larry Potter has chosen the right side – fighting the bad guys of this world. I sure hope to meet him one day,” U.S. President George W. Bush said.

“Airý Podeur is the best French book I ‘ave read since I wrote War and Peace in the 1890s,” French leader Jacques Chirac said.

“With the help of Allah, this evil book will burn in Hell. Except for the 30 copies that, with the help of Allah, will arrive in my cave shortly,” suspected terrorist Osama bin Laden announced.

Meanwhile, one in a thousand people in western Congo said they had “never heard” of Harry Potter. The local authorities said they would take “appropriate measures” to ensure this changes.

Posted by Odd Times at 10:04 PM

Monday, March 14, 2005
Russian grabs London

LONDON (Odd Times) – A Russian oil billionaire has bought the city of London for $20 billion.

Victor Smir Noff, 32, announced his purchase of England’s capital at a press conference Monday.

“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to own New York. But it wasn’t for sale,” Noff said.

The 32-year-old from a remote village in the region of Korapsky has amassed a huge fortune after he bought the rights to Korapsky’s oil reserves for $1 in 1991.

Noff plans to move into Buckingham Palace with his wife, Babushka, and two teenage children. The Queen has been given a one-month deadline to find a new home outside the capital.

London Mayor Ken Livingstone said he was “saddened” that a sale of the city was necessary in order to avoid going bust.

He added that he will take up a position as special adviser to Noff.

Posted by Odd Times at 9:49 PM

Sunday, March 13, 2005
McDonald’s sues obese woman

PARIS (Odd Times) – McDonald’s in France is suing a customer for being “disgustingly obese”.

The company said it is dragging Marie-Elle Degenere to court after she visited McDonald’s in Lille earlier this year.

“She weighed at least 400 pounds. Yet she only ordered one Big Mac. We cannot tolerate that,” a spokesman for the restaurant chain said.

Ms. Denegere said she was “hurt” by the attack on her. She did acknowledge, however, that she is obese and therefore should not have visited McDonald’s.

Posted by Odd Times at 7:52 PM

Saturday, March 12, 2005
Rapper ridicules weapons story

CHICAGO (Odd Times) – A leading rap artist has denied media reports that he does not own and carry a hand weapon.

“Man, what a load of crap. I can’t take it seriously,” Chicago-based Mottafucka said.

According to Mottafucka, he “naturally” carries a gun at all times. He added that – contrary to the report in the Chicago Times – he has been involved in “at least” 11 shootouts and has suffered three bullet wounds.

A source at hip-hop site Rapsheet.com said that some rap artists do in fact not carry a gun, but are afraid to admit it.

Posted by Odd Times at 3:19 PM

Friday, March 11, 2005
Bin Laden phone book leaked

ISLAMABAD (Odd Times) – Suspected terrorist leader Osama bin Laden is said to be “extremely distressed” after his mobile phone has been hacked.

The contents of bin Laden’s address book were published late Friday on an Arabic website. Odd Times has chosen to publish a selection of the most important contacts:

Dad (don’t call after 5 PM): +966 6482-44568
Domino’s Pizza (don’t give out your real name): +1 800-800-040
Al Jazeera (make collect call): +971 4319-7575
Sky Cable (invoice to dad): +44 800-800-800
Hooters Islamabad (say your name is Bob): +92 4386-4542

Sorry guys, just on this kick lately, too funny!

Surprise Attack Surprise
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.

But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.

The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.

Mining for Elephants
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
15 February 2005, Rushinga, Zimbabwe
The elephants were trampling Christian’s maize field, which he planted on an elephant trail of long standing. He had to find a way to fight back! Fortunately, there was an old minefield nearby, on the Zimabwe-Mozambique border. Christian figured a few landmines planted around his field would soon teach the elephants a lesson they would never forget.

Christian may have gotten the idea of using the mines from a couple of incidents that had recently transpired. A local resident had been injured after picking up a landmine while herding cattle the week before. A week before that, another Rushinga man had lost part of his leg after stepping on a landmine. The other villagers saw the writing on the wall, and avoided the landmines.

But Christian realized they were just what he needed! Clearly, these mines could cause great damage to an elephant! He dug up five that had been exposed by recent heavy rains, and began carrying them home.

These unstable mines detonated, killing Christian instantly.

Then total number of elephants injured? Zero.

We’ve all seen them, but you can never get enough!

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Happy 4th of July to all those that celebrate it! Going to go swimming today, hang with the family and watch fireworks. Hopefull I wont get stuck in traffic.

Get off the computer and go out and enjoy, have some fun.