Category: Funny

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – A Swedish university has received $590,000 in research funds to measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch.

About 20 cows will participate in the project run by the Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences in Uppsala, about 40 miles north of Stockholm, officials said Monday.

Cattle release methane, a greenhouse gas believed to contribute to global warming, when they digest their food. Researchers believe the level of methane released depends on the type of food the eat.

Project leader Jan Bertilsson said that the cows involved in the study will have different diets and wear a collar device measuring the methane level in the air around them.

He said 95 percent of the methane released by cows comes out through the mouth.

“This type of research is already being conducted in Canada so we will be in contact with Canadian agricultural researchers in the near future,” he said.

The research will be funded by a grant from the government’s Swedish Research Council for Environment, Agricultural Sciences and Spatial Planning.

NEW YORK – A Manhattan doorman has been suspended for having bad breath. Jonah Seeman, who has been ushering tenants into a four-building complex on East 89th Street for 40 years, was told not to come to work Friday because of halitosis.

Seeman said he has stopped eating garlic, uses mouthwash and takes breath mints on the job.

The Brooklyn resident, who supports his 81-year-old mother, has been suspended twice before for bad breath — one day in May and then again in July.

Apartment dwellers at the Gracie Gardens complex expressed surprise over Seeman’s suspension and came to his defense.

“His job, which he does well, is opening the door — not to be opening his mouth,” said Adam Reingold.

Officials with Cooper Square Realty, the management company that oversees the property, did not return calls seeking comment. But the company sent the doorman a letter dated Nov. 21, stating: “We can no longer tolerate the fact that you have severe breath odor while on duty.”

The union that represents Seeman, Local 32BJ of the Service Employees International Union, has filed a grievance in the case.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – While Swedes have a reputation of being reserved, a new study shows they’ll hug just about anyone except their boss. Nine out of 10 Swedes embrace somebody at least once a week, with women aged 30-44 being the most active huggers, according to the study presented Thursday by the Swedish Red Cross.

About 70 percent of the 1,036 people interviewed between Nov. 5-8 said they had hugged their partner or spouse that week, while 59 percent said they had hugged a friend or acquaintance.

One-quarter had hugged a work colleague of the same sex, while 14 percent had embraced a co-worker of the opposite gender.

Only 4 percent hugged their boss.

The study by the Synovate polling institute also found that there is a certain etiquette to Swedish hugging traditions.

More than 80 percent said it was appropriate to hug a person in mourning, while 55 percent said they would hug a stranger who had just found their wallet.

Sixty percent said hugging a vague acquaintance at a party was not OK.

TRENTON, N.J. – It’s a fashion that started in prison, and now the saggy pants craze has come full circle — low-slung street strutting in some cities may soon mean run-ins with the law, including a stint in jail.

Proposals to ban saggy pants are starting to ride up in several places. At the extreme end, wearing pants low enough to show boxers or bare buttocks in one small Louisiana town means six months in jail and a $500 fine. A crackdown also is being pushed in Atlanta. And in Trenton, getting caught with your pants down may soon result in not only a fine, but a city worker assessing where your life is headed.

“Are they employed? Do they have a high school diploma? It’s a wonderful way to redirect at that point,” said Trenton Councilwoman Annette Lartigue, who is drafting a law to outlaw saggy pants. “The message is clear: We don’t want to see your backside.”

The bare-your-britches fashion is believed to have started in prisons, where inmates aren’t given belts with their baggy uniform pants to prevent hangings and beatings. By the late 80s, the trend had made it to gangster rap videos, then went on to skateboarders in the suburbs and high school hallways.

“For young people, it’s a form of rebellion and identity,” Adrian “Easy A.D.” Harris, 43, a founding member of the Bronx’s legendary rap group Cold Crush Brothers. “The young people think it’s fashionable. They don’t think it’s negative.”

But for those who want to stop them see it as an indecent, sloppy trend that is a bad influence on children.

“It has the potential to catch on with elementary school kids, and we want to stop it before it gets there,” said C.T. Martin, an Atlanta councilman. “Teachers have raised questions about what a distraction it is.”

In Atlanta, a law has been introduced to ban sagging and punishment could include small fines or community work — but no jail time, Martin said.

The penalty is stiffer in Delcambre, La., where in June the town council passed an ordinance that carries a fine of up to $500 or six months in jail for exposing underwear in public. Several other municipalities and parish governments in Louisiana have enacted similar laws in recent months.

At Trenton hip-hop clothing store Razor Sharp Clothing Shop 4 Ballers, shopper Mark Wise, 30, said his jeans sag for practical reasons.

“The reason I don’t wear tight pants is because it’s easier to get money out of my pocket this way,” Wise said. “It’s just more comfortable.”

Shop owner Mack Murray said Trenton’s proposed ordinance unfairly targets blacks.

“Are they going to go after construction workers and plumbers, because their pants sag, too?” Murray asked. “They’re stereotyping us.”

The American Civil Liberties Union agrees.

“In Atlanta, we see this as racial profiling,” said Benetta Standly, statewide organizer for the American Civil Liberties Union of Georgia. “It’s going to target African-American male youths. There’s a fear with people associating the way you dress with crimes being committed.”

ROME (Reuters) – A Sicilian mother took away her 61-year-old son’s house keys, cut off his allowance and hauled him to the police station because he stayed out late.

Tired of her son’s misbehavior, the retiree in the central Sicilian city of Caltagirone turned to the police to “convince this blockhead” to behave properly, La Sicilia, one of Sicily’s leading newspapers, reported on Thursday.

The son responded by saying his mother did not give him a big enough weekly allowance and did not know how to cook.

“My son does not respect me, he doesn’t tell me where he’s going in the evenings and returns home late,” the woman was quoted as saying. “He is never happy with the food I make and always complains. This can’t go on.”

Police helped the squabbling duo make up and the two returned home together, with the son’s house keys and daily allowance restored.

Most Italian men still live at home late into their 30s, enjoying their “mamma’s” cooking, washing and ironing.

CAPE CORAL, Fla. – A woman arrested for shoplifting has blamed the crime on irritable bowel syndrome, authorities said. Helen Gallo, 61, of Clearwater, was arrested Sunday after allegedly shoplifting from a Cape Coral grocery store, The Daily Breeze of Cape Coral reported.

Gallo reportedly told authorities that she could not wait in line because she has irritable bowel syndrome, according to the newspaper.

Gallo was charged with petit larceny and released Sunday from the Lee County jail on $500 bond.

Gallo did not answer a telephone call placed to her home by The Associated Press. It was not known if she had an attorney.

CORAOPOLIS, Pa. – An elderly woman unknowingly gave a bank robber a lift, according to the woman and police.

Juanita Bland, 75, was stopped near a post office in Coraopolis shortly before noon Monday when the electric sliding door of her minivan became stuck. The van is equipped with a motorized door and ramp for her wheelchair.

“I couldn’t get out of the van, so I waited a few moments hoping somebody would walk by who might be able to help,” said Bland. “Then I saw this fellow walking my way, so I beckoned him over and asked if he could please help with the door.”

The man, according to police, had just robbed a PNC Bank branch.

The man slid the door closed, and then got into the passenger seat and asked for a ride, Bland said.

“He didn’t seem threatening or anything, so I said ‘OK’ and drove off,” she said. He exited a few blocks later, got into a white sedan and drove off.

Bland said a friend called her concerned that she had been abducted because another acquaintance heard on a police scanner that the suspect had gotten into her van.

“When I think back now of what could have happened, I feel blessed that I’m OK,” Bland said.

BERLIN (Reuters) – A 21-year-old German woman who did not feel like going to work at a fast food restaurant sent her parents a text message saying she had been kidnapped.

Police in the Bavarian town of Straubing said Wednesday they had launched a massive search throughout the region for the woman who disappeared on December 23 but turned up unscathed the following morning, saying the kidnapper had set her free.

A spokesman said the woman was questioned over the Christmas holiday and admitted she made up the story because she owed a colleague 25 euros ($32.9) and did not have the money to pay her debt. She now faces a fine of up to 1,000 euros.

OSLO (Reuters) – German drugs maker Schering warned consumers on Thursday not to use haemorrhoid cream on their faces.

The warning came after a male stylist said on Norwegian television that many photo models used the cream in the morning to get rid of puffy eyes, which the drug company said seemed to have boosted demand for such products at pharmacies.

“This is a pharmaceutical and not a cosmetic,” the group’s Norwegian subsidiary Schering Norge AS said in a statement, warning especially to keep haemorrhoid cream out of the eyes.

It said the warning applied to its product, Scheringproct, which it said was “a pharmaceutical that is used on haemorrhoids and around the opening of the large intestine”.

TOKYO (Reuters) – A Japanese man has been found guilty of sexual harassment for forcing a female work colleague to pluck his beard.

“Asking a female colleague to pluck your beard is totally inappropriate and illegal,” media reports quoted the judge as saying as he ordered the man and the government, as his employer, to pay a total of almost $5,000 (2,700 pounds) in compensation.

According to the lawsuit filed by the woman, the man — an employee in his 30s in an office affiliated with the Labour Ministry — had repeatedly asked her to pluck his beard.

The woman, also in her 30s, told him he should do it himself but finally was forced to give in, Kyodo news agency said.

Media reports said the man had been warned previously for sexually harassing the woman, including sending her notes demanding she come on a company trip in her “best bathing suit.”

Japanese attitudes towards workplace sexual harassment, long considered to be relatively lax, have grown stricter over the past few years.

ROME (Reuters) – An Italian man escaped from house arrest and begged police to put him in jail because he could not bear living with his grandfather, his lawyer said Monday.

The 30-year old, who could only be identified by his initials A.M., had been placed under house arrest for six months in the Sardinian town of Sassari after a scuffle with a policeman.

But he escaped, and Sunday showed up at a police station in the northern city of Genoa, asking them to arrest him and put him in a cell.

“He said he could not face staying with his grandpa anymore,” defense lawyer Pietro Bogliolo told Reuters by phone.

The lawyer said he did not know what the problem between the two was. “It’s probably irreconcilable differences,” he said.

A Genoa court however ruled Monday that A.M. should return to his grandfather’s house and spend an additional two months and 20 days there because of his escape.

Saturday, a Sicilian man also asked police to put him in prison rather than have him confined to his house, saying he did not have enough money to buy himself food. He later returned to house arrest after police gave him food supplies for a few days.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand – An armless man stopped for speeding was driving with one foot on the steering wheel and another on the pedals, a policeman testified in court.

Colin Smith, who was born without arms and has never held a driver’s license, appeared in court Thursday charged with driving in a manner likely to be dangerous to the public.

The police officer who stopped Smith said the driver’s seat was reclined and the armless man appeared to be using one foot to steer the car and the other to work the accelerator and brake. Smith, 31, entered no plea but said he would defend himself against the charges.

He told the court he had been driving for years, using his feet to steer, and had never had an accident.

TOKYO (Reuters) – How about a little relaxation with your robbery?

A burglar gave a 35-year-old woman a shoulder massage for several hours after breaking into her apartment in central Tokyo and tying her up, police were quoted as saying Friday.

He stole 210,000 yen ($1,900) in cash and her bank cash card, though he later mailed the card to her as she requested after withdrawing 980,000 yen from her account, Kyodo news agency said.

It said Lee Jin-se, 29, a South Korean, admitted the burglary and told police he lingered in the woman’s apartment and gave her the massage “to relax her.”

Police believe Lee waited there until business hours began for bank cash machines, virtually none of which operate around-the-clock in Japan, Kyodo said.

A police spokesman confirmed the robbery but declined to comment on the reported massage. He said the woman did not appear to have been physically assaulted.

BRISTOL, England – An employment tribunal has ruled against a British teacher who claimed a noisy chair made classroom life a misery.

Bristol City Council confirmed Monday that the tribunal last week dismissed the complaint by Sue Storer, 48, former deputy head teacher at Bedminster Down Secondary School.

Storer said the school failed to replace a chair which made an embarrassing “farting” noise whenever anyone sat on it, although other staff received new chairs. She said the chair was a source of embarrassment, especially at parent-teacher evenings.

She also claimed that male colleagues were favored over her.

CHELSEA, Mich. – A man has been sentenced to six months’ probation for shooting at his neighbor’s radio-controlled model airplanes with a shotgun.

David Nuttle, 41, of Washtenaw County’s Webster Township, pleaded guilty to one count of malicious destruction of property worth less than $200, a misdemeanor.

Judge Richard Conlin of 14-A District Court in Chelsea sentenced him Thursday to six months of probation and 50 hours of community service. Conlin also gave him a 20-day suspended jail sentence, deferred as long as Nuttle complies with the conditions of his probation, which includes no alcohol or drugs and no contact with the planes’ owner.

Nuttle also must pay $154 restitution and $550 in fines and court fees.

Nuttle used a .410-gauge shotgun to shoot at the planes. He said his shots hit only one plane, causing two tiny holes in it. The plane he is paying for crashed when the child who was operating it lost control of it after being frightened by the shots, Nuttle said.

Nuttle told the judge he regretted his actions.

“I felt I was defending my family and my property from these airplanes, and I called police several times,” he said. “But I made a bad decision that day and I realize that.”

Nuttle told The Ann Arbor News after the hearing that the planes have been a nuisance to his family, scaring his children, spooking his chickens and causing his goats to faint from exhaustion.

BEIJING (Reuters) – Police in eastern China can tap the country’s first human body odour bank to help their dogs get a nose for criminals, Xinhua news agency said.

The facility in the city of Nanjing has a collection of 500 different smells, meant for comparison with samples taken from crime scenes. They are kept on ice — at minus 18 degrees Celsius (0 degrees F).

“This way the scent sample can maintain its freshness for at least three years,” bank founder Song Zhenhua was quoted as saying in the overnight report.

Only odours that elicit identical reactions from at least three trained crime dogs will pass muster for a place in the bank’s vaults, Xinhua said.

Xinhua did not explain how the smells would be captured or stored. In other countries that use olfactory forensic evidence, odours are taken from clothing or collected using gauze pads and airtight plastic containers.

NEW YORK – There is great embarrassment in your future. A box of X-rated fortune cookies was mistakenly delivered to a fundraiser hosted by a Brooklyn politician.

The 350 cookies stuffed with “the most graphically lurid” fortunes got mixed up with a batch of 1,750 cookies ordered for the Chinese New Year event, Borough President Marty Markowitz said Friday. Some guests “were stunned, to say the least.”

The annual event — to raise money to send poor children to summer camp — was attended by some 700 guests Tuesday evening, but only about 80 were still there when the dirty cookies were opened, Markowitz said.

The borough president was on the second floor of the two-level restaurant when a guest “yelled to me from the first floor: `Marty, did you order these cookies? Did you see what’s inside them? I think you better get your butt down here!’” Markowitz said.

Markowitz, who was not wearing his glasses, had the “fortunes” read to him by some of the guests.

“I’m sure they were meant for a raunchy bachelor party,” he said. “They were not cutesy. Triple X to say the least.”

He said his office had given the restaurant 10 slogans about Brooklyn to insert into the fortune cookies, and 1,400 were delivered correctly.

They contained such G-rated boosterisms as: “Brooklyn — The 10th Planet,” “Brooklyn — it’s more than a freak’in tree,” and “Brooklyn — it’s like an everything bagel.”

STOCKHOLM (Reuters) – The first uniquely female dummy for use in car safety tests is being developed in Sweden, researchers said Wednesday.

All current crash test dummies are based on how men’s bodies react in collisions and other accidents.

Chalmers University of Technology in Gothenburg and the National Road and Transport Research Institute are researching how a female body moves as a first step in building the dummy.

“For neck injuries from rear-end collisions, whiplash, the risk for women is twice as high as for men,” the road institute said in a statement.

Will the dummies have boobies?

ROCKVILLE, Md. – A Montgomery County judge ruled Tuesday that the act of mooning is not illegal in Maryland, clearing a man accused of indecent exposure after showing his buttocks to a neighbor during an argument.

Judge John W. Debelius III said the defendant, Raymond Hugh McNealy, 44, committed a “disgusting” and “demeaning” act when he allegedly exposed himself to his neighbor and her 8-year-old daughter June 7. But the judge overturned an earlier decision by a District Court judge against McNealy.

“If exposure of half of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any woman wearing a thong at the beach at Ocean City would be guilty,” Debelius said, according to a report Wednesday in The Washington Post.

McNealy’s neighbor, Nanette Vonfeldt, accused him of yelling at her and threatening to “blow up my building” as she and her daughter walked out of their apartment. The two had a heated meeting the night before at the home owner’s association, according to McNealy’s attorneys, and McNealy wanted Vonfeldt off the board.

“Then, for whatever reason, in full view of my daughter, he mooned us,” Vonfeldt wrote in court documents.

Montgomery District Court Judge Eugene Wolfe ruled against McNealy on the indecent exposure claim, a charge that is punishable by up to three years in prison and a $1,000 fine.

McNealy appealed, saying state law only covers display of a person’s “private parts,” which does not include the buttocks. His attorneys cited a 1983 case of a woman arrested in front of the U.S. Supreme Court with only a cardboard sign on the front of her body. An appeals court later ruled indecent exposure only relates to a person’s genitals.

Prosecutors disagreed, saying Maryland law is ambiguous.

“This was not a bathing suit scenario,” said Montgomery County prosecutor Dan Barnett. “This was a grown man exposing himself to an 8-year-old girl.”

McNealy attorney James Maxwell said the Debelius ruling should “bring comfort to all beachgoers and plumbers” in the state.

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