A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

- Hey baby why don’t you be my love buffet I’ll lay you on the table and take what I want.
- Will you play army men with me … So I can blow the hell out of you
- What do you say we’ll go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and I’ll multiply, It’s easy it’ll only take us all day.

- I can’t make a cherry pop but i sure know how to make a babnanna cream.
- I may not be Fred Flintstone ,but I bet I can make you bed rock
- Let’s do breakfast tomorrow should I call you ou nudge you?
- Yo baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, You treat me right And I’ll do it your way.

One day, a woman living in a trailor park found a hole in the floor in her kitchen, so she decided to stick a hot dog in it and masturbate with the hot dog sticking up from out of the floor. A guy next door could see in through the window and he thought she was really hot. So he snuck under the trailor and took the hot dog out and replaced it with his dick. He was having a lot of fun for a while until someone knocked on the door of the trailor and the girl kicked the “hot dog” under the floor!

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could.

“I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.”

“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, ‘Piddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven.”

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”

“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

If your wife is banging on the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

The dog because at least he shuts the fuck up when he gets inside.

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks if the guy does $100 bills.

“Sure”, says the artist. “Where you want it?”

“Wrap it around my prick”, says the customer.

“Why do you want it on your prick?” asked the tattoo artist.

“Three reasons”, replied the man thoughtfully, ”

One, I like to play with my money.

Two, I like watching my money grow.

Three, my wife loves to blow money.”

A man goes to the doctor because he is bleeding whenever he tries to shit. The doctor takes a look in his ass and say’s, “I think I have something for this but it has to be put in your rectum in order for it to work.” The man say’s, “Whatever will stop the bleeding, do it.” He gives him the first dose and say’s, “Tomorrow, have your wife give you the second and final dosage the same way that I have.” The man thanks the doctor and rushes home.

The next day he gives his wife the medication and tells her what she needs to do. As she is putting it in the man screams. “Oh my god what did I do?” his wife asked. The man replies, “Nothing, but I just noticed that when the doctor gave it to me, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!!!”

This blonde came home from work one day and caught her husband screwing another woman so the blonde goes out and buys a gun goes back home walks in on her husband and puts the gun to her head and her husband said don’t do it hunny don’t do it the blonde said don’t worry motherfucker your next.

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,”Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

“$50″ she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him is she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. “She should. She was standing on it”

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’ve finished already?” the man asked. “Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats.”Impressed the man reaches for the money. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It a Lexus.”

A man and woman were about to get married. The man loved this woman very much, however he had a problem with his soon to be mother-in-law. She always looked at him as if she wanted him. The fact that she was hot didn’t help the matter. One day, the man and his fiance’s mother were alone in the kitchen planning for the wedding. This was when she asked if he wanted to have sex with her. Of course, the man was stunned, so the woman went to the bedroom and allowed the man to think about it. After about a half hour of sitting in the kitchen the man gets up to go to his car. Outside his soon to be father-in-law is waiting for him. He exclaims that he is very happy that his daughter found a man this good, and that he had passed the test that had been set up.

Moral of this story: Never forget your condoms in the car.