1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I’m sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don’t we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It’s more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and say’s,” See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time.” “No way,” the guy say’s. “oh yeah, and she only charges $20.” So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn’t believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It’s best to wear protective head gear when your going in unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it by yourself,but it’s not as much fun.
4. Once you learn you never forget how.
5. You don’t need any special clothing ,but you can if your really in to it.
6. make sure you got a firm grip.
7. Once your over the top you can just roast the rest of the way.
8. That’s why some of them are called mountain bikes.

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, “Umm… err, I’ve never purchased condoms before, and I don’t know what size to buy.” “That’s okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back.” So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in. She starts to giggle and says, “Have you decided on the appropriate size?” “Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!”

There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. “What condition does he have?” the student asks. “He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.” The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. “What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?” “Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here”, says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.

I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place… I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed — over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell. “No,” bin Laden said.” I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Osama Bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks if the guy does $100 bills.

“Sure”, says the artist. “Where you want it?”

“Wrap it around my prick”, says the customer.

“Why do you want it on your prick?” asked the tattoo artist.

“Three reasons”, replied the man thoughtfully, ”

One, I like to play with my money.

Two, I like watching my money grow.

Three, my wife loves to blow money.”

A guy goes on to a ship to sail for work, but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain, “Capt. capt.! There’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure?

Captain: Don’t worry me laddie just stick your dick in that barrel and everything will be alright.

So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation so he does this every day after that, untill one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens so he runs to the cpat. and says:

“Capt capt! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed!”

Captain: Oh I forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!

There is a guy working in a bar. One day, a guy comes in with a little head and a body like Arnold Swarchnegger. The bartender asked the guy what happened. The guy says,”I was walking through a garden, and a super sexy fairy appears to grant me three wishes. My first wish was to have a body like Arnold Swarchnegger. My second wish was to make love to the fairy right next to a stream. After we had sex, she said,” you know you still have one more wish. After that I said,”How bout a little head?