Two blondes were fixing up some things around their house. Blonde #1 would hammer the nails into the wall while blonde #2 passed the nails. Blonde #2 would reach into the sack of nails, and either give it to blonde #1 or throw it out. Blonde #1 said “Hey!!…Why are you throwing away perfectly good nails?” Blonde #2 says.. “Well its easy. If I pull out a nail and its pointing towards the wall then I give it to you. If its pointing the other direction, its defective.” Blonde # 1 says ” You Idiot!!!… If its pointing the other way its for the other side of the house!”

Question: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Answer: Because it kept falling out.

My buddy Joe went to a small town outside of Phoenix last week. He had fifteen bucks and desperately wanted to get laid. At the first whorehouse, he was unsuccessful yet warned not to visit Sandy Sandpaper. At the second, third, and fourth whorehouses he was as unsuccessful as the first and duly warned.

Still desperate for a quick lay, Joe ultimately decided to pay a visit to Sandy Sandpaper. Joe knocked, Sandy (a vivacious woman) opened the door, and she assured him that fifteen dollars would suffice for the night. A few minutes into the festivities, Sandy asked “how does it feel?” “A little rough, like sandpaper” replied Joe.

“Just a minute” said Sandy as she made her way to the bathroom. After waiting a few minutes, Sandy emerged and she and Joe started right where they had left off.

“Now how does it feel” asked Sandy. “Terrific. What did you do” asked Joe, at the height of his pleasure.
“Oh, I just picked the scabs and let it drain a little!”

There is a guy working in a bar. One day, a guy comes in with a little head and a body like Arnold Swarchnegger. The bartender asked the guy what happened. The guy says,”I was walking through a garden, and a super sexy fairy appears to grant me three wishes. My first wish was to have a body like Arnold Swarchnegger. My second wish was to make love to the fairy right next to a stream. After we had sex, she said,” you know you still have one more wish. After that I said,”How bout a little head?

A drunk bum walks out of a bar late at night. Across the street from him is a nun waiting at a bus stop. The bum crosses the street and punches the nun square in the face. The nun falls down and the bum begins to kick her constantly screaming, ” Not so tough tonight are you batman?”

There were two priests sitting in the little room where they go when they need to change and they were writing the next sermon for Sunday now this the time when all the stuff was going around about priests but the one says to the other im tired so im going to take a shower and take a nap and the other says okay im almost finished so dont start without me and the one says ok and leaves well temptation gets to him and he says ah forget it so he runs to the shower and enters to find shit colored cum all over the wall and the one says to the other i told you to wait for me and the other says what do you mean i just farted.

A man and woman were about to get married. The man loved this woman very much, however he had a problem with his soon to be mother-in-law. She always looked at him as if she wanted him. The fact that she was hot didn’t help the matter. One day, the man and his fiance’s mother were alone in the kitchen planning for the wedding. This was when she asked if he wanted to have sex with her. Of course, the man was stunned, so the woman went to the bedroom and allowed the man to think about it. After about a half hour of sitting in the kitchen the man gets up to go to his car. Outside his soon to be father-in-law is waiting for him. He exclaims that he is very happy that his daughter found a man this good, and that he had passed the test that had been set up.

Moral of this story: Never forget your condoms in the car.